Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
