I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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