I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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