ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
