My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
