It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
