I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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