Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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