I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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