Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
