When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Welp...herpes.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
