there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
