my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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