My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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