I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
