how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
