rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
