I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
