My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
