My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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