So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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