I wish I could teleport
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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