Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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