I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I AM VODKA MAN
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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