I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
