saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
