a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
they're like a gay fantastic four
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
