you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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