I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
