You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
