I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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