He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
