My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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