I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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