i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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