I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's shark week go big or go home
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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