I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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