FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
