I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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