the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
