I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
