Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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