i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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