I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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