Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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