Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
