After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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