I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
