Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
