Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Michael Bay diarrhea
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
