got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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