I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
