Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
