As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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