If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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